What Hurts the Most
by Anna J. Perley
Summary: Although Spencer was troubled by the topic of love and how he seemed to never have a chance with anyone when it had to do with it, what bothered him most was this one question: How one would be able to love another without getting hurt. And what hurts the most about it. ***One-Shot


*****Disclaimer- I DO NOT own the show "Criminal Minds", nor the quote used below. All credit goes to their rightful owner(s).**

 _"Sometimes you can be touched by God, but not healed. Often when this happens, he is using your pain for a greater purpose." ― Shannon L. Alder_

Spencer Reid never liked the idea of love. He understood familial love and platonic love, but Romantic love? I think it was safe to say that Reid despised it.

The odds had never been in Reid's favor whenever it came to love, anyways. Whether it be romantic, familial, or platonic love, things just never worked out.

He usually just shrugged it off and moved on with his life, never even questioning why nothing good happened when it had to do with him and the damned topic.

But as the days went on, the years quickly passing by, he found himself starting to wonder more and more.

Every single day of his life, whether it be in the bullpen, in a jet, in another state, or simply in the park, Spencer was taunted by "love" and how he'd possibly never be able to experience it.

Everywhere he went, there was always someone or something there to show him just what he was missing out on. Couples holding hands in the street, or going on dates, or just staring lovingly at each other. Including his team members talking on the phone with their significant others on their free time or in the jet, love was literally everywhere.

Over the years, Spencer had finally figured that it was probably because of his looks and mindset. He was definitely oblivious to plenty of things, especially when it came to the "unknown topic" itself, always missing jokes or ques as to when he was to say or do something.

He always tended to ramble a lot, sputtering out different statistics and facts and talking about the Quantum Theory or Physics.

Plus, he'd always been on the skinny side. He had pretty much no upper strength, or at least as much Morgan (Spencer had gained a pretty toned body from all his years of working in the FBI), but he was still lanky and awkward looking. He seemed to be the weakest of everyone on the team, and the least attractive.

No wonder he couldn't find a girlfriend.

Now although Spencer was troubled by the topic of love and how he seemed to never have a chance with anyone when it had to do with it, what bothered him most was this one question: How one would be able to love another without getting hurt.

He'd heard people talk about how they loved someone so much, it hurt.

He used to think that it was just an expression, but now that he thought about it, he realized that it was true.

He had loved his father as a boy. Very much, at that. He looked up to him, and his father gave him the love and support he needed. But when he left...nothing was ever the same.

Spencer loved his father very much. And he just upped and left. Just like that. Leaving Spencer hurt, confused, and doubtful. He knew the real reason why his father left, but couldn't help but wonder from time to time if it was because he wasn't good enough for him.

If he was a disappointment of a son, or if he was embarrassed to be seen around him, or if he just didn't love him anymore. Thinking about those kinds of things made him hurt even more.

Jason Gideon was like a second father to Spencer. He was someone he could talk to. Someone who understood him. And he supported him just as much as his father had when he'd still been with them. Plus, he was also the only one who could beat Spencer at chess.

Gideon had filled in the father-role for the next 4 years of Spencer's life. He was always there. Always supporting him. And he always cared. But then they same thing happened with him. He just upped and left, leaving Spencer nothing but a letter and his badge.

Another loved one who caused him hurt.

Emily Prentiss was loved by pretty much everyone on the team, and the BAU. Aside from JJ, Emily was probably the second closest person Spencer to after Gideon had left. She was like the sister he never had (pretty much like JJ) and had shown him love and kindness since the day they had met.

But knowing that she had died, and that he was there at her funeral to bury her, only to find out a couple of months later that she was still alive and JJ had known about it but hadn't told him anything hurt him even more.

The two people who were closest to him, who he both loved (as family) very much, had hurt him as well.

And Maeve...he knew it wasn't her fault. He couldn't help but fall in love with her, and he knew that they were probably doomed from the start, but he couldn't help but feel as though the world was finally giving him a chance to love and be loved.

It wasn't her fault that she had died. That she had been killed by a woman who had been stalking her for 10 months, and that he couldn't save her. It was entirely his. Or at least that's what he told himself.

He told himself constantly that it was his fault he couldn't save her, but he knew deep inside that it was probably bound to happen anyways.

What hurts the most was knowing what could've been if none of that had happened. If he was able to save her. If he was able to stop Diane Turner from pressing the trigger or at least get Maeve out of shooting range, then she'd be alive and well and in his arms, loved, cared for, and safe.

Or if he had never met her in the first place. At least he'd know that she was safe, and alive, and _breathing._ Maybe even happy...

What hurts the most was knowing that he could've had a proper relationship with his father if he had never left. That they could've watched documentaries together, and have breakfast with the three of them together, and be a _family_ again, but knowing that now...it could _never_ happen.

What hurts the most is knowing that he could've see Jason Gideon every single day at work like he used to, and be able to play chess with him, and be able to just be with him like the way things used to be. But that could never happen either.

What hurts the most is knowing that Emily Prentiss wouldn't be alone and scared and frightened if only she had reached out to the team and told them what was happening. That she was alive, and well, but just in hiding.

What hurts the most...is knowing that the people you love the most can cause you the most pain. Can make you feel a whole new level of hurt that you'd never think imaginable.

But the truth is...you'll get hurt either 's how love is. Love isn't perfect. It comes with trials, and questions, and hurt...but love does overcome everything.

Even though it doesn't seem like it...something comes out of it as well.

When his father left, Gideon had replaced him. When Gideon left, he met the famous David Rossi, co-worker, friend, and now..family. It was the same thing with Emily Prentiss and Alex Blake.

As for Maeve...she gave Spencer a taste of how it felt like to truly be in love. And she gave Spencer the strength to keep going everyday. Even though she wasn't with him physically, he knew she was with him in spirit, and just knowing that she'd want him to be happy and go on with his life got him out of bed and out the door in the morning.

Love hurts. Loving hurts, and being loved hurts as well.

But that's how it's always been, and always will be. Spencer realized that now, and just knowing that makes it a little easier to open up about finding love again in the new future.

 _With someone new._


End file.
